Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
