mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I wear drunk well.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
