Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
