last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
