He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
