My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
