Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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