I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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