Hey man sorry I got all grabby
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
