If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
