I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
