My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
