I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
