peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
