Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
