Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
