How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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