If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
