I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
