I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Couch. On fire.
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