I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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