your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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