It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Who put my cat in the fridge?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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