His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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