He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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