i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
