Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm eating all of the evidence.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
