Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
