apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
