Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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