guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
