my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I can't put those talents on a resume
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
