Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
