I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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