why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
