watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
