My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
