I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
