I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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