my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
