I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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