I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Someone shattered a urinal.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
