I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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