he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
