I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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