I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
