she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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