I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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