see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
