he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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