I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
