I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
only you would photoshop your dick
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We have started to decorate penises.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
