but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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