i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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