i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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