My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
