does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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