My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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