Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
